The Worst Film of the Year...

The Passion of the Christ
and

Spanglish

The Two Extremes: Ultra Conservative and Ultra Compassionate filmmaking styles join forces to make my life a living hell. 

This film… There’s something about Mel Gibson that… I have never felt so… Where do I even begin? How do I express my exasperation with not only the film but the culture that spawned the film? How do I explain my view that a film about mankind's salvation should be joyful instead of loathing? Why is it that a religion that supposedly believes god is about love can create something so hateful, so vicious, so violent, so gratuitous in its love of violence, and so spiritually empty that it resembles a nihilistic snuff film more than it does a religious epic? Why didn’t people see through Mel Gibson’s overly stylized direction, which is so abysmal and mugging for attention in it’s visual trickery that to say it resembles a unwatchable car commercial directed by Michael Bay after a two week coke binge, would be insulting to Michael Bay? Most of all, how do I convince anyone how awful this film made me feel? Perhaps by simply raising these questions I have answered them. Or perhaps I have just pissed everybody off.

On one level this is a poorly made film and on another it is a product of where this country is at now. The Passion of the Christ is the mascot of an extremist Christian agenda that has taken control of my country and won’t give it back. While I am the product of a Christian upbringing I shudder to think this pugilistic passion play, thru its sloppy glorification of archaic values, represents a faith I once belonged to. In short, The Passion puts a bloody face to everything I fear about organized religion and its inadvertent tendency, throughout history, to bring out the worst in men. Crazy Mel Gibson has often mentioned that he talks to god but he directed this one as if he listened more to the devil.

In making the suffering of Jesus so literal, Mel Gibson has missed the point. He has made a film so wrong on so many levels that I cannot call it anything but the worst film of the year. 

There has been a wave of countless bad films released this year but none I would be so heavy-handed as to call an impediment to the evolution and progress of the human race. None that is except this film.

One Word Review: Torture

If The Passion is bad for humanity, this one's bad for my health. So enraged was I by this film’s self-coveted qualities that I stormed out of the theater, half debating whether I should yell “fire!” on my way out so I could save everybody from a fate worse than a thousand fires... and that's seeing this movie. Where The Passion trapped me in a vortex of sadness and loathing, Spanglish almost gave me a panic attack. Knowing I could never walk out of a movie (goes against my philosophy; plus, I’m cheap) I needed a breather so I went to the bathroom to collect myself. In much need of some good venting I unleashed a flurry of Chin-Li like kicks upon the first urinal I laid eyes on. It didn’t help. Nothing could have.

     A hazard mix of white guilt, white racism, egregiously self-amused writing style, lack of plot, lack of humor, lack of imagination and lack of humanity make for the most wretched “feel good” movie of the year. The anguish of Spanglish rivals no other movie I’ve seen in recent memory if only because it is peerless in its ability to rise to a new echelon of icky suburban pathos. I was a twitching mess during this film and I can’t think of any other work of art that my body has rejected more thoroughly. This film is a cancer. Forget my intelligence (which, by the by, was not only insulted but trampled on and raped), I was physically uncomfortable during this domestic dramedy about cold yuppies, warm immigrants, and tepid lifestyles, all void of any color or reason.

James L. Brooks' Spanglish is desperately in search of a meaning it never finds, which is odd because the film sermonizes as if it has a lot of wisdom to impart. It doesn’t. A stream of consciousness dead zone of empty meanings, disconnected character relations and incoherent PC idealisms doesn’t add up to a plot, it only adds up to a headache. Like a smug drunk espousing his precious viewpoints on life and love to bar full of empty stools and rats scurrying for the nearest exit, the joke’s on it.

One Word Review: Anguish

     I feel that if this website site does anything this year, it should be to alert people that Spanglish is one of the worst films ever made. Though deciding which is worse, The Passion of the Christ or Spanglish, is something I am incapable of doing. What I'm certain of, however, is that whatever tumors I get as a result of the visual traumas inflicted upon my person this year, I’m going to name the first one Mel Gibson and the second James L. Brooks.

2. The Grudge and Scooby Doo 2

Sarah Michelle Gellar exits the best show ever to do not one, but two of the worst films ever. That’s almost worse than David Duchovny leaving X-Files to co-star in Connie and Carla. Almost. In these two poplar genre moves, Gellar delivers zombie like performances that are devoid of any signs of life, joy or humanity and her two respective films this year exhibit similar traits. They’re dead on arrival, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing if they were neutral like most dead things are. But the situation is worsened by the fact that these dead things are lifeless and annoying! The Grudge is an almost perfect specimen of a bad movie. Film school should study it shot by shot because it is a textbook example of a film doing everything that can be done wrong, wrong--in giving the film an F I now realize I was being too easy on in. There’s not one shred of interest sparked by The Grudge, just one mechanical scare after another being propped up by a shrill geek show of horror that fails on so many levels that only Scooby Doo 2 could possibly know how it feels to be such an utter looser. If Gellar ever decides to become a real film actress (which I know she can be after watching and loving her work on Buffy), her best course of action is easy. Do the exact opposite of everything she did in these two abysmal films. Oh, and it would help not to star in any movie with Ben Affleck either. Which reminds me…

One Word Review: Inert  

3. Jersey Girl and Surviving Christmas

Hey Ben Affleck—FUCK YOU!

Oh, and I’ll be seeing you next year, right here on this list. If you still have a career that is.

One Word Review: AffleckisAwflick

4. Maria Full of Grace
directed by Joshua Marston

Okay, no more two for one slots. Here's a film so bad it gets a spot of its own. This movie infuriated me. Any other year that little reveal would mean a lot but this year it’s only enough to make the middle of the list. 

In my D- review I called this film “a message movie with out a message.” Ouch. Nothing worse than that except, of course, a Jesus movie without a message. But unlike Gibson’s film, this deeply confused social thriller meanders about with all the style of a great movie, but with none of the grace. PC (politically castrated) critics are lauding the film’s stylish “realism” swagger but did they actually stop and think about what this film (if anything) is saying? A girl can’t make enough money in Columbia… she decides to smuggle pounds of cocaine through her ass… then gets pregnant… then smuggles more drugs to the states care of her colon (doing her part to ruin the lives Americans hooked on poison--which the film conveniently leaves out)… then craps a couple coke bags out on the airplane... then smears them with toothpaste and swallows them again...then, after all this criminal’s, uh, hard work, the film suggests this wonk eyed mule is owed a great life. Between this film and Spanglish why can’t Hollywood’s liberal guilt be put to some good use? Like some good old fashion Bush bashing. While this character is clearly an amoral twit, er, pardon, lost soul in need of “a better life” (according to most ass kissing critics), the film could have worked if it had a compelling message, except…besides not having a message at all, it never thinks to questions or analyze the protagonist’s “brave” actions and treats her foolishness as something worthy of martyrdom. To quote my review again: they should have titled it Maria Full of Shit.

One Word Review: Poop  

5. Spider-Man 2
directed by Sam Raimi

While not as much of an artistic affront as many of the film’s on this dubious top ten, this snoozy megahit makes the list because A) something this tedious, melodramatic and mind numbing was more popular than a genuinely fun comic book jaunt like Hellboy; and B) Spider-Man is a super guy instead of a super hero—super guys, while nice and all, are not that fun to watch when you sign up to see superheroes... especially not asexual/monosyllabic super guys (Toby Maguire, doing his best Weekend at Bernie’s impression) with no charisma and zero chemistry with a leading lady that gets more screen time than arch-villain.

The scene that sums up the Spider-Man experience:

A neighbor walks into the apartment and looks at a catatonic Peter Parker staring at the wall. A bit turned on at the smoldering sight of a man entering an intense staring contest with the wall...and winning... she takes pity on the looser and asks:
-“Would you like a piece of chocolate cake?”
-Peter answers “Yes... that would be nice.”
-Cut to a few minutes later. Peter has eaten the cake! All we see is crumbs in a riveting close-up.
-“Thank you” Peter says politely.
-She stands up and leaves.

As I sat through this film I couldn’t help but think that somewhere out there something cooler is happening.

One Word Review: Boring  

6. White Chicks
directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans   

The only sequel that would make sense is a film called Funny Guys in which the preternaturally unfunny Waynas Brothers going undercover as comedians on assignment to pretend to be funny for five minutes. That premise would be even more far fetched and appalling unpleasant than the basis of this film in which the two charmless/tactless/ball-less/pigmentless agents go undercover as creepy looking, you got it, white chicks who look like deformed mannequins with white powered faces, yet everybody (including the girls they’re posing as!) mistake them for the real thing. And worse than that, everybody mistakes them for hot! A film like this could yield guilty pleasures laughs in a Some Like it Hot kind of way but this racist mess is an overstocked morgue full of stillborn laughs.

Sample Dialogue
Unfunny Wayans Brother: Ah, what a beautiful sunny day.
Big Black Man in Love with Ugly White Chick: Easy White chocolate, wouldn't want you to melt.
Unfunny Wayans Brother: Hasta la vista Shawrtsennegro!

One Word Review: Repulsive

7. Day After Tomorrow
directed by Roland Emmerich 

Honestly, I’m tired of complaining about how bad this film is. If you know me you’ve heard me complain that a potentially intriguing story about natural disasters gone ID-4 somehow turned into a lame teen drama where self involved kids with hard-ons get chased by wolves (huh?) and burn library books to keep warm so their make out sessions will be all the more comfey. And all the while, oh nothing, millions of people lie dead and fascinating meteorological sights are supposedly occurring off camera. Bad as it is, infuriating as it turned out to be, lame as it was, awful as it may be, illogical nature aside I think its time to retire my hate for Day After Tomorrow. I think its time to move on.

One Word Review: Mexico  

8. The Village
directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Here's another film that promises one thing and delivers another. And don't worry, I wasn’t about to forget this monsterless monstrosity. The once fascinating filmmaker in M. Night Shyamalan seems to care more about cheaply constructed “twists” than decent storytelling and his latest “film” marks a sure and steady decline in the writer/director quality of work. After this film it is clear that this filmmaker should never be allowed to direct his own scripts. Also clear is the fact that this film and its awkward dialogue/non-supernatural twists exists for the sake of itself. More and more it’s looking like we should dub Night a hack of the Spielbergian order. Revolt people, Shyamalan’s film is a sham-a-lam!

One Word Review: Really? 

9. The Terminal
directed by Stephen Spielberg

Venting about Night’s hack-et job on The Village got me thinking about the granddaddy of all hacks--the certified Hack of the Order of the American Empire. Unlike M. Night, the often disingenuous Mr. Spielberg at least learned to stop directing his own schmaltzy material, but unlike Night these days, we know Spielberg is capable of far better than base mediocrity. While I can certainly see why many cherished this film’s quainter, quirkier, fluffier and more innocent aspects, I was more annoyed than enchanted. In this film about a character (Tom Hanks, who we’re forced to like, love and later celebrate as a man of the people) who gets trapped in airport and must wait… and wait… and wait some more… while the most interesting that happens to him is a few conversations with Catherine Zetta Jones while an Indian guy juggles and, oh yeah, he also waits in line so he can get his status rejected a couple dozen times. Cute. With a sturdy bite stick and some instant death pills imbedded in my molars (a standard for anyone even thinking of entering Spielberg’s gooey world), the boredom would have been tolerable but Spielberg had to get all grandiose, sentimental and, worst of all, Capera-esq on us. This usually competent filmmaker was so in love with his film that he forgot to tell a story that matters.

The best thing I can say about The Terminal is that it's only the fourth worst film with the theme of immigration to come out this year. After Spanglish, Maria Full of Grace and Day After Tomorrow this film looks brilliant!

One Word Review: Waiting...    

10. Control Room
directed by Jehane Noujaim

As important a year it was for left-leaning sociopolitical documentaries, this film proves that not all of them worked. Films like this, in fact, did more harm than good. The main reason I'm including it on my list is because in criticizing other news stations, Control Room indulges in the same propaganda it deplores. Focusing on how pure, untainted and perfectly sane the Al Jazeera news station is --and positioned as a beacon of hope amidst false news-- this murky documentary is full of more hot air than a camel's fart on a hot summer day. I’m not sure which is worse, Faux News for its unabashed lies and shameful dishonesties, or Al Giz-era for its sly valorization of monsters who cut off heads and blow up innocents.  

You Got Served
We sure did. Boyee, this movies sucks!
Grade: F

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Following the unbeatably shrill combo of Ben and Jen in (shudders) Gigli, the worst couple to be endured in American Cineplexs this year are Jude and Gwyn. Get ready for two hours of... Polly Perkins (Paltrow): It's been three years, Joe. Don't tell me you're still mad at me. I can't even remember what we were fighting about. Joe 'Sky Captain' Sullivan (Law): You sabotaged my plane!  Polly Perkins: Right... Still suffering from delusions, I see. The bickering reporters are so distracting with their lame we-hate-each-other-but-really-love-each-other routine that their inane banter almost made me forget the film's clunky retro sci-fi concept gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Team America

Puppets talk! Okay, I’m intrigued. They shit, fuck, and vomit for long stretches at a time. More, more! They’re army puppets… army puppets who team up to take down Middle Eastern terrorists... derka, derka. Hell yeah, I love it, what else? They love Bush’s America, celebrate American superiority, hate, hate, hate Koreans while simultaneously thinking they’re the funniest race ever to grace the silver screen, hate “political” actors more than Koreans yet are just as political as any actor there ever was, and...oh yeah... spend the last hour of the movie yapping about how funny Koreans are and how evil actors are. (Backs away slowly)-- Um, I think I’ll pass.

Polar Express

How creepy is this film?

Example A
I give you Stephen Tyler as an elf.

Example B
I give you that creepy train conductor with a porn star moustache and his flamboyant band of dancing perves who serve scary looking children hot chocolate that gives them brown milk moustaches. (Vomits).

Example C
If you need a third reason not to see this abysmal CGI children’s film, then go see it, you may like it.  

The Forgotten

Awful. Just awful. But not the kind of awful that needs dwelling. Na, simply stating how lame this missing child/mother savor/random alien menace film is, does the job. Because, really, if I spend two more minutes writing about how forgettable The Forget-able is, I will have surpassed the total amount of time it took to write this meaningless thriller’s script.

Hero

I am not a fan of director Yimou Zhang and this is his ultimate example of style over substance. The visual conception of this film is spectacular, but the film, told thru one fake flashback sequence after another, has no emotional or logical core so what’s the point in caring about what you’re seeing? Should we watch for the sake of watching? This hollow film feels like an exercise; far from grabbing me… it punched me.  

Van Helsing

• Knock, knock.

• Who's there?

• Van Helsing.

• Van Helsing who?

• Van Helsing sucks.

Teen Girl Movies

Young girls of the world… listen up for just a sec, I just have a few things to say. When it comes to movies, get some taste, gets some decorum, find an imagination and find some new role models other than Hillary Duff, the Olsen Twins, that chick from Spy Girls, Lindsey Lohan or whatever other vaguely cute Barbie Doll clone the Disney machine has arbitrarily decided to vomited out and make the “next…big…thing!”

Shrek 2

Putting this unfunny, overly aware, underly sincere, visually ugly, too eager to please green glob all the way at the bottom of my twenty worst doesn’t mean I’m giving in or going soft on its fun-for-moms-and-todds humor, it just means I’m resigned to the notion that Shrek, both the film and character, however odd it feels saying this, is a certified cultural landmark. An iconic presence without an ounce of sincerity or originality, true, but a presence none-the-less, and a presence that won’t go away so I might as well deal. So here’s me dealing.

Final Slot reserved for that B- minus film…
...to prove to myself that even the films I like, I can sometimes hate.

Garden State—Zack Grates