The Core 3/29/2003
What’s Good: I didn't like the film, I hated the premise but you got to hand it to the cast and crew for not making this dumb story feel like an F movie. I guess that's a compliment.
What's Not:  I don't even have enough room to get into it.
Directed by Jon Amiel
Plot Outline: Scientists discover that the Earth's core is about to stop spinning.

     A line from the maladroit new disaster thriller, “The Core” goes something like this: “The objectives are simple but the obstacles are enormous.” And that's exactly the kind of line I expected from this reverse engendered version of "Armageddon." In the film, what is essentially a submarine with sharp lookin' drills is required to go through seven miles of solid rock, molten lava and god knows what else to “jump start” the earth’s core by using a big fucking nuke and yet the biggest mystery this film evokes is not how can they do it but, rather, how does a big, lumbering, inconceivably sloppy B-movie with special effects more shoddy than that of "Spider Man" ever have gotten past the development stages? "The Core," as a concept was a dead in the water before it ever even crawled out of the water. I knew I would hate it and I did.

     The film posses a simple concept that never, not for one minute worked but I’m giving the flick credit (and the better part of a D) for not sucking outrightly. Instead of being totally retarded this film is merely just retarded. That is to say the film held the ridiculous action to a watchable level and the usually talented actors looking for a payday here (from Swank the maverick astronout to Eckhart and Tucci as geologists to Karyo as a guy that has no function other than being the buddy to the film's hero to Lindo the mechanic to Jenkins the tight-assed military commander and Bruce Greenwood) treated the material like it was Shakespeare’s long lost and most suckiest play. They make an utterly lifeless working script with laughable disaster scenarios (Oh my god!!! People with pacemakers are dropping dead as ominous music plays. What a great action movie idea.) seem real if but for a moment.

     The film is replete with those endless thinking man movie clichés. This is that overused convention that occurs when an insurmountable problem or task is faced by a character in the film. A dead end has been reached and the only surefire way to solving that problem is to frame the actor in a tight close-up (preferably their face but my favorite is a dozen inches lower on the female performers), have them look at something inconsequential like a falling pen then pause for a moment with a goofy look as we watch low wattage light bulb suddenly go off inside the overreaching actor’s head. Of course we hear them declare “Ah ha… I know how to…” cut to a half-assed explanation and followed by a montage of that problem getting solved with teamwork. There are a dozen such moments in the problem solving core of, um, “The Core.” Not a one of them is convincing. Not a one was ever intriguing or memorable. For that, rent the mediocre but nonetheless underrated Red Planet to see a successful version of this overused problem solving movie cliché in action.

     Okay, now to the logic part of the exam. Firstly, the earth’s core stops spinning. That I can grasp. But why, in one early scene, does this causes an outbreak of “attacking pidgins?” This……… … … is…neither scary nor cool. IT NEVER WILL BE, EITHER. I hate pidgins as much as the next guy but seeing them dropping dead by the hundreds and falling into car windows and granite statues as a whole city (yes, the whole city) screams in anguish is a painfully dull and meaningless thing to have to sit through-- I am angry I had to see that. Second, how does the vessel withstand the massive pressure from within the earth? Well, by being encased in a material called Unobtainium (fucking brilliant) and how is that fantasy substance invented? Easy, you find a crazy black scientist living in the Utah dessert. You see, any black guy with a beard that is insane enough to live in Utah of all places must be some sort of prodigious inventor. I could go on but I won't. Folks, the only this film could have been more believable is of the story told is that, yes, the characters in this film do in fact coexist in Harry Potters world of magic. Every step of the way I was being eaten up inside by the films utter disregard for logic—one could call this film the “A Walk to Remember” of disaster movies. Here’s one last gripe and observation: if you’re planning a mission to go down to the center of the earth using a glorified drill machine from Command & Conquer then maybe it would be wise to try and have a plan to have that said machine go up as well because, you know, the up part is kind of necessary. The film stars Aaron Eckhart as a brilliant geological scientist but missteps like that had me thinking otherwise... this guy is as dumb as James Spader in "Stargate" who figured out a way to get to another dimension but failed to come up with a way to get back. 

     Yes, I have an imagination. I can believe in illogically bad movies like “Resident Evil” or "Signs" despite their gaping flaws in reason. I also know that whole suspension of disbelief thing should have kicked in five minutes into a trivial film like this but the fact that it didn’t can most likely be contributed to a filmmaker who didn’t even try to create a film with any sort of relatable earthly logic (as Buffy would say, this film contains "insane troll logic"). Though I shouldn’t penalize a B-movie for wanting to be a B-movie I can’t help doing so this time around because this film, like the much worst “Armageddon,” wants to be that silly B-move while at the same time being presented in a realistic manner. I won’t let this film have it both ways. But, really folks, know that I tried forgive the film. To repeat the line “The objectives are simple but the obstacles are enormous” all I can do is respond to that with my semi-brilliant deduction in the vein of Aaron Eckhart's character: Instead of sending a 15 billion dollar (you heard me... BILLION) drill machine with a not as cool as it sounded on paper “laser tip” (the same kind that's used to “zap kidney stones” we are told by an actor with a totally straight face) why not have Eckhart jump in Hillary Swanks mouth and have those unruly horse teeth chomp away at the earth’s unforgiving mantle? That, I imagine, is the one and only way I'll ever pay to see the sequel.

Grade: D

Swept Away
What’s Good: The first half ain't bad, actually.
What's Not: That people might confuse one of the worst films of the year with the best film of the year (Spirited Away).
Directed by Guy Ritchie
Plot Outline: A snooty socialite is stranded on a Mediterranean island with a communist sailor.

I know what you're thinking, putting this film as a rental of the week is like saying that "I Spy" should have gotten a best adapted screenplay Oscar nomination but let me explain: Any film where the consensus is that it the worst thing released by Hollywood should be seen by the same people that saw the film that's considered the best picture. The best doesn't exist with out the worst and I still maintain that "Freddy Got Fingered" should be shown in film schools as a model for what not to do.
Funny thing is, half way through watching this film I was scratching my head and trying to figure out why this film was so deeply hated. Why Ebert said it was the worst film of the year and why it would probably win this year's Razzie. Here we have a quasi-communist, quasi-feminist, quasi-humanist reading of "Cast Away" that was unafraid to challenge notions of false capitalism, to praise the tenants behind communist and mock the great class barrier that separates the elite citizens of a nation from the impoverished working class who are being exploited and made to "dance like monkeys" while in service of the rich. At this point in my reading of "Swept Away" I wasn't loving the film but I was certainly respecting what it was attempting to do. Sure Madonna was miscast but the film didn't sink. Right away. But, then, sure enough the film made known to those watching with me that, yes, this was indeed one of the worst films of the year. As with "Minority Report" big ideas go poof in favor of a generic ending with one too many lame touchy feely montages and some supremely bad acting by Madonna (who, with that lame sorta English accent doesn't seem to be able to act  convincingly in her real, every day life... and I thought that only applied to Britney Spears). Critics say this film is mean spirited and hateful. Well, they're right but that's precisely why I like this film.... for it's cutting comment on why men and women feel so alienated by each other. The cruelty was enchanting actually, and if it had been maintained intelligently I would have gladly given the film a recommending grade. But, alas, the film goes all dumb and "A Beautiful Mind" on our asses by screech out a love conquers all message and asking the half naked senior citizen, Madonna, to act like a person with real things called emotions as shed a tear while professing her love for the poor and boorish Italian porter she is stuck on the Island with. Not only was I unconvinced by Madonna's attempt to act like a human being but I was good and upset that a film I rented for the express purpose to laugh at how bad it was ended up not being laughably bad but just plain bad. The boring kind of bad which is so much more worst than the "Battlefield Earth" kind of bad. Hell, even "Crossroads" delivered in creating an entertaining and unassumingly awful film. So, while for the first half I was digging the fact that Guy Ritchie could stand not to use his kinetic music video editing for once, by the unwatchable last half of this much reviled picture, I was praying for Brad Pitt to arrive on scene to knock the fuck out of the annoying Madonna, thus allowing this unbearable actress to sleep with the fishes in slow motion.

Grade: D+

Roger Dodger
What’s Good: Some great dialogue.
What's Not: Not much substance.
Directed by   Dylan Kidd
Plot Outline: After breaking up with his lover and boss, a smooth-talking man takes his teenaged nephew out on the town in search of sex.

A how-to taught by a know-it-all that doesn't really know anything. "Roger Dodger" could be called the "The Recruit" of getting laid movies and it stars a guy that probably preys to the "Swingers" gods. Basically, the film takes one fast talking jerk, Campbell Scott (winner of the National Board of Review prize for this role) and pairs him up with a horny and nebbish teenager and throws the two into a measured and dark (physically and in tone) talkathon where Scott mentors the hopeless kid into swooning the ladies off their feet by messing with their minds only to watch the little guy get more action than himself by being totally innocent. The point of the film is that this kid and this cocksure thirty something are bout equal in their knowledge of women and the joy in watching comes from the realization of how both learn from each other. Don't look for a film with deeper meanings than that because you'll be disappointed. The film is an odyssey full of shallow but fascinating observations. The playful dialogue and psychobabble delivered by a feverishly confidently Scott is just priceless (he gives a ten minute speech about women phasing out men after they don't need their strength or sperm anymore). This Indy is not for the "Sex, Lies" crowd and it's certainly not for the "Greek Wedding" folks. No, rent this film if you like My Dinner with Andre type pontifications that go nowhere and exist in a film with little to no plot. While "Roger Dodger" may at times be as empty as the main character's angle for hooking up with the ladies (to quote Da Ali G: "treat em' rough and you get the muff") it gets the job done thanks to two memorable performers who, at the very least get to second base with this film.  

Grade: B
The Commentary: C+
The Extras: B

The Hunted 3/14/2003
What’s Good: A fun and unintentionally funny old-school action flick that we can all take our dad's to.
What's Not:  Lacking in the logic department. As a friend said "Benicio should never be allowed to act with children again." Word.
Directed by   William Friedkin
Plot Outline: An FBI deep-woods tracker captures a trained assassin who has made a sport of hunting humans.

The Hunted is the most preposterous, silly, ill-conceived and illogical action film I’ve seen since Collateral Damage. And you know what, I grinned a happy grin through every blood soaked minute of this machismo laden growl fest. To enjoy a film like The Hunted is to understand and respect the limits of the fugitive/police guy genre. I miss these kinds of films and am happy to see one premier outside of an "original" HBO movie staring Antonio Sabato Jr. Considering the stars are two leathery Marboral Men and not Josh Harnett and Freddy Prince Jr., the film also manages to display an authentically retro movie plot and never seems to kiss up to the MTV audience. This is a simply action movie with no frills. It is about character more than style and I respect that standing. That being said, the silly plot and stock characters represent anything but cutting edge cinema yet the actor’s mock bravados only add to the fast cheep and out of control pacing. The material is lovingly obtuse and my enjoyment stems the fact that I went all Mystery Science Theater on the plot by laughing and quipping my way through the muddled plot.

Here’s a sample scene: towards the end of the film, after all the characters are set up and all the boundaries are tested, we see the protagonist and antagonist gearing up for a no prisoners knifeathon that they probably got the idea to have after renting the first "Under Siege." But here’s the catch, both of these hairy blokes have an intense distaste for guns. Na, they prefer knifes. And not just any knifes but manly, hand chiseled Paleolithic knifes. So as Jones, the purveyor of sly and cranky wit and a bushwhacked Del Toro engage in that obligatory battle prep action movie scene (like the one where Rambo slams a magazine in his gun and straps his gay little bandana on; or when Aragon and Legolas shared a few longing gazes and practically made out before the big battle at the end of Two Towers) they stand there and, in true Jackie Chan fashion, forge weapons out of what the environment offers them. For serious, in, like, five minutes these two army trained mountain men set elaborate traps and make weapons out of rusty pipes and oversized pebbles. The effect, and zero-dialogue fight to come, may be extremely irrational but the actors glow with a slick recognition of this timeless genre convention. Both the actors and the movie tone is totally being serious but the outlandish end product is unadulterated fun for audience members who don't take this film seriously.

    I sat there in a joyful mocking mode of disbelief as the film spiraled into one familiar scene after another. This is the version of Predator redux that I’ve always been waiting for. Yeah, in these kinds of movies it makes sense that the main character can track a guy in the jungle by just looking at a dried sweat droplet, a ten-hour-old footprint and broken twig, but how, I ask you dear reader, can a professional “tracker” track a fugitive in a populated city like Portland? To answer that let’s gloss over the premise; after the Serbian ethnic cleansing and US involvement of the late 90’s, an expertly trained and highly decorated hunter goes all Kurtz on everybody, starts living in the woods and proceeds to kill anyone in his way. The military perceives this as being a problem. What Aaron Hallam (Toro), the AWOL “killing machine” is going after is never adequately answered, what he thinks is just as oblique… the only thing, in fact, that is made certain is that this bitch is craaazaey and so I guess we don’t need to develop crazy-ass characters beyond the fact that we all are made to know that they are, you know, really fucking crazy. Enter L.T. Bonham (Tommy Lee Jones), a retired (aren’t they all) trainer who proves to us that he’s done with the gritty military life by retiring his freakishly unsettling Burt Reynolds-esq moustache and growing, in it’s place, a Treat Williams (or Ben Kenobi) beard that indicates to us that the once scary L.T. is now as huggable as a bear... or James Gandalfini. L.T. Bonham is all about the essentialism lifestyle (which is a slight variation of Dr. Dre’s "big screen TV's, blunts, forties and bitches" lifestyle) and lives as one with nature. We know that because all he does is saves wolves from poacher’s traps (note: this is one of about a dozen heavy handed hunter/hunted metaphors) instead of teaching recruits how to puncture a brown man’s nut sack. Tommy is recruited for, sigh, “one last job” and is enlisted to hunt down Fenster's brother, Hallam. The FED in charge of this messy crazy man clean-up detail is (of course, again) a beautiful officer (Connie Neilson) with a great rack… er, of… um, credentials. Nobody familiar with these movies will be surprised to learn that the FEDs are bumbling idiots that exist as target practice to the villain sharp toys and have no way of finding leads other than following the lone, and almost psychic senior citizen hero by boat, helicopter, car, bike, foot and homing walkie-talkies. This is where our tax dollars are going?!  Next up: American saves 200 billion dollars by just sending the sixty-year-old Tommy after Saddam and the whole national military follows, listens, and hopes for the best.

Being that this was directed by the once savvy William Friedkin (The French Connection, Exorcist, Rules of Engagement) the film imposes an intense political angle to the material yet the exact meaning of this film’s politics is hard to discern and the film never settles down to give us a final comment on the events that have transpired. Characters fight, one dies, and goes back to living his old lifestyle… alone and without any reservations or reverence for what he has done for his country. The violence seems to have been all for not. Is the film saying that the military makes you crazy or that you'd be crazy to join the military? Does Tommy’s character represent political pacifism or ignorant, Bushian military aggressiveness? Or is this use of real life political situations just a silly excuse to showcase fine tuned specimen of empty 80’s action? I'll let you be the judge.     

Grade: B